Memoirs of Madness
by DarkIceAngelFlare
Summary: Joining the Mafia was never going to be easy, but did it have to be crazy as well? These windows into the Vongola famiglia's daily lives TYL will show how far they've come. Weird is the new normal in this 'Secret' Santa multi-chapter fic for Mockingjay Rose. Collaboration with pinkiedoll. Warnings: no pairings, rated for language, may contain crack.
1. MOCK

Okay, so this was meant to be a not-so-secret Secret Santa fic for MockingJayRose, but I also combined it with Sorugao-BandGeek's 'what do their names mean?' challenge from the KHR writing challenges forum. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed it.

**VERY IMPORTANT!** The full credits for 'C' goes to pinkiedoll, an author who I beta-read for and who writes the most amazing stories! Check her out when you have time. This is actually our collaboration :)

* * *

**M is for Modern**  
_In which Tsuna finally fulfils his dream_

* * *

When Tsuna had first heard of the mafia, he thought of the fedora-wearing gun-wielding men that always wore suits, had connections to Italy and were involved in all the usual prostitution rings, drug trafficking, assassinations etc.

It hurt when he realised how right he was.

Before he had been told about the 'Sin' and the 'Burden' of the Vongola, but never had he imagined that the famiglia that was originally created to protect people would become this… dirty. When all of the 1209 'businesses' that Nono had ran were revealed to him, it was only Reborn's training that kept him from fainting, throwing up or worse – crying.

Yet he knew that all the tears in the world could not cure the sickness that had festered deep into the mafia's roots, so he rose to the challenge instead. With his friends and Guardians by his side, he slowly began those first agonising steps forward to change the entire mafia.

It didn't matter that his own tutor and idol, Reborn, shook his head at his antics and tried to beat the idea out of his head with gruelling training. He took it all and moved on. He ignored the Arcobaleno who tried to dissuade him from wandering that perilous path that few had returned from alive. He knew he could do it, as long as his close family stayed with him. When Nono and the other older executives tried to get in his way, his guardians held them in check, reminding them that he was the one chosen by Primo – it was time for progress.

Iemetsu watched his every move with disapproval written across his face. The Varia cursed him in every known language, yet never attempted to stop him. Dino would visit sometimes with a sardonic condescending smile, as if saying 'I've been there and it won't work, little brother.' Yet still he toiled, with the only encouragement he needed coming from his Elements that would smile and push him even further along.

It would never be completely done, this journey they had arduously began. Xanxus called it 'the pussyfication of the Vongola'. His guardians referred to it as 'modernisation'. Tsuna named it 'Humanisation'.

* * *

**O is for Old**

_In which Reborn has an off-day and annoys Bermuda._

* * *

Reborn had always considered himself sprightly; a never-ending source of energy that could push others to and beyond their limits, as his Element would suggest. Some days, though, he couldn't help but to realise that he was a fifty-something-year-old living in a twenty-three-year-old body. Like today, for example.

"Today I will bite you to death, Arcobaleno!"

"Reborn, Reborn, Tsuna-nii said that you would be teaching me how to fight properly! He says you owe him!"

"Reborn, Reborn, how do I use Dying Will Flames like Ahodera does?"

"Reborn, you're such a meanie! You're the worst teacher ever!"

"Master Pao-Pao, I extremely challenge you to a boxing match to the extreme! You cannot refuse me this time!"

"Oh, Reborn, you've finally eaten some of my food! I promise that this time it isn't poisoned!"

"Master Pao-Pao, you're turning extremely green! Now purple! Quick, get him to the emergency room to the extreme!"

"Reborn, I've heard the Poison Scorpion finally tricked you into eating her grub, kora! Now I can finally defeat you, kora!"

"The Great Skull-sama will now make you, the lowly Reborn, grovel at his feet!"

"Uncle Reborn, would you like to have some cookies?... Oh, I'm so glad you like them! I took special lessons from Bianchi for this and – wait, Uncle, your eyes are looking a bit glassy. Your pulse is dropping! Someone, call the doctor!"

"Wow, Reborn, you call me stupid and clumsy, but you ate to lots of Poison cooking in one day! Are you finally losing your touch?"

"Yes, Reborn, I understand that Dino's comments annoyed you but was it really necessary to destroy the entire west hospital wing? I hope you have the money to pay for the repairs, because I'm not coughing it up for you!"

"The great Reborn, being told of by his Dame-student. How the mighty have fallen. Now that you are immobilised, maybe I should use you for my latest experiment?"

…time skip...

"You look like you've had a pretty rough day."

Reborn glanced up wearily from his cup of espresso to see a bandaged visage. "Bermuda, to what do I owe this displeasure?"

"This is my favourite café," the Vendice-leader informed him, "and you happened to be sitting in my spot. So, why don't you empty out your heart to me, who no longer gives a damn about you, so that you can vacate the premises as fast as possible."

Reborn spent the next ten minutes in a heated verbal onslaught of insults and insinuations before the best hitman in the world realised that he had had enough. It had been a long day, filled with irritations and at least he could kill Bermuda later if he ever tried to reveal the ex-tutor's insecurities.

"…and then I had enough and left that asylum."

"I still don't see the problem – isn't this the usual for you?"

"I've never had such a bad day before! Normally I'd never be bothered by such trivial things, much less fall for a poisonous trap!"

"Maybe you were just having an off-day?"

"…I think I'm just too old to keep doing this."

Reborn sighed dejectedly as silence engulfed the table. After taking a long slip of his third cup, he noticed his partner was shaking. "Bermuda? Are you -?"

"Too old!" grumbled the other, slamming some bills on the table as he stood up. "How dare you Reborn! Do you realise I'm a hundred years older than you are? Too old? Bullshit! You're just too arrogant to admit that you can't be perfect all the time!"

The angry ex-Arcobaleno stormed out of the shop, still mumbling incoherently. Reborn blinked in surprise at the turn of events. He hadn't expected that; who knew Bermuda was so touchy about his age?

Oh well… he felt slightly better now, knowing he wasn't alone.

* * *

**C is for Charming**

_Takeshi's conniving ability to get the best for his boss, no matter the situation_

* * *

Yamamoto glanced around the street, his eyes shifting back and forth nervously as he gazed once more down to his watch. He had promised to set out and do this errand, as the object was something for his loveable Boss. Despite his own misgivings, he would stand his ground.

A screech of tires came to stop before him and the money and the object exchanged hands before the people in the car sped off. The raven-haired swordsman grinned ear to ear after checking the package before glancing around and walking away.

He missed the pair of obsidian eyes watching at him from a distance. The adult Arcobaleno smirked mischievously at the young man's odd actions, matching them up with the earlier exchange at an alley not far from here.

*time skip*

Yamamoto was being very sneaky; too sneaky even for a mafia member. The careful attention he paid to his words made even Fon suspicious during his visit. Everyone wanted to know what he was hiding. Alas, his charming smile would throw them off-guard and no one would chance a confrontation, not so long as the male was able to maintain that smile.

They soon found out what he was hiding, however, when the anniversary of Tsuna's Inheritance came around. The swordsman had walked up to the petite male and withdrew an object. He opened the envelope and gave the contents to Tsuna.

The amber eyes glowed happily as he cracked open the hard-to-find box and popped a stick into his mouth, munching on it with a look of utter bliss. The Storm looked upon his fellow guardian with a look of confusion (and no small amount of annoyance), to which the swordsman replied with a smile and a sheepish shrug.

"It was an exchange of sorts... one rare thing for another."

He would never tell them that it had been personal photos of him shirtless; his charm was one of the things he prided himself in. But at times he also would have to improvise. But with another disarming smile and a tilt of his head, the argument dropped.

He smirked inwardly. Yep, he still had it.

* * *

**K is for Kinky**

_Haru on D18_

* * *

Everyone in the Vongola had their turn with cleaning duty, including their civilian members. One day it just so happened that Haru was in charge when Dino and Hibari got into one of their usual brawls. Romario sat reading his newspaper in a corner, while blood was spilt and snarls released from the two men who still fought as eagerly as if it had been there first time.

Watching them, Haru couldn't help but smile as she noticed the gentle-seeming smirks gracing the faces of the fighters, and the almost-affectionate way they insulted each other between blows. Hibari was never like this with any another of his sparring partners and the same could be said of Dino.

'_They're so perfect for each other,_' sighed Haru as she waited for them to finish destroying the training room.

When they finally took a break, the brunette decided to take a gamble and ask the question that had been bothering her for a while.

"Hey, Dino?"

"Yes, my dear?" the playboy flashed her his Prince Charming smile.

"Between you and Hibari-san, who tops?"

The blonde blinked at the question while the skylark merely ignored her. "Who tops? Do you mean who has the upper hand in our spars? I'd say we're pretty even there, aren't we, Kyoya?"

"Hn."

The excitable girl shook her head. "Not like that – I meant in your relationship. Who tops when you're alone together?"

"…I'm afraid I don't understand what you mean, Haru."

"Well, you're homosexuals, aren't you?"

As one, the three men in the room stared at her with gaping mouths. Even the ex-prefect had momentarily forgotten to discipline himself as her statement sunk in.

"What do you mean by that, herbivore?" he snapped waspishly.

"Aren't you and Dino dating?" she clapped her hands together excitedly.

"You think the Bronco and I-?"

"Oh, you don't need to hide it, Hibari-san! Everyone suspects it already. And I think it's sweet! Plus," her inner yaoi fangirl squealed as she poked Dino in his side, "you guys must be really kinky in bed!"

"What-?" the Chaviarone boss was still at a loss for words, while his subordinate struggled to contain his mirth.

"I mean, come on, you two use whips and handcuffs on each other on a daily basis! Which brings me back to my original question – who tops? Most people believe Hibari-san's the uke, what with his more effeminate build and his smaller frame but he has the handcuffs so I think it's safe to assume that he ties you down, right, Dino? Does that mean he's the seme or is it like what Gokudera says, and Hibari-san is just a dominative uke?"

Romario wasn't even trying to conceal his laughter now, while Hibari shook with fury and Dino stood absolutely flabbergasted.

"Is this what everyone thinks, Haru?"

"Pretty much, yeah! You have our full support! In fact, I think Viper is running a pool about how long it will take you guys to come out of the closest- HAHI!" she shrieked as a tonfa buried itself in the ground by her feet.

"Herbivore, ever speak of this again and I WILL BITE YOU TO DEATH!" the carnivore hissed, already making for the door so that he could teach his family that under no circumstances will he _ever_ be gay for the Bucking Horse. This was probably all the bronco's fault anyway, what with his over-suggestive mafia nickname.

Haru pouted. "I guess Hibari-san's in denial. Poor Dino! But seriously, do you take it or do you give it?"

It would be a long time before the Chiavarone returned to the Vongola estate.

* * *

That's the first part done! This is my first time doing a general family fic. I'll post the next part tomorrow. Happy holidays, MJR, and thanks for being the awesome moderator of the KHR Roleplay forum!

P.S. This fic will have four chapters.


	2. ING

Quick updates are the norm for this. This one's a lot shorter, but sentiment is still the same (I think). Thanks for all the views, follows and favourites. All the credits for 'I' goes to pinkiedoll who wrote it, as well as for the idea behind 'G'! Check out her KHR stories (they are pure brilliance!). Hope you like it MJR :D

* * *

**I is for Important**

_Lambo learns the value of important items._

* * *

The lightning guardian became aware of it when he accidentally tore one of Ryohei's prized boxing gloves. He had never seen his older brother figure so upset before, but once he had been scolded, he realized that even he had a special item.

After a few hours of having the little cow absent, a worried sun began to search for the little tyke. When he came across him, his heart almost melted.

Lambo sat in the centre of his room, two items in his hand. The look of concentration on his face was endearing, and Ryohei held back a laugh at the way the child's tongue remained balanced on his top lip as he began weighing options. Lambo suddenly looked up and almost shrieked at the sight of the boxer, but eventually he calmed down before approaching the other carefully. His tiny hand was held out, gesturing for the white haired teen to take whatever the other one was offering.

Ryohei kneeled down, and extended his palm up and reached for the child's hand. Lambo blushed slightly as he dropped a small trinket into the other's hand. He looked it over before glancing over at the child.

It was a small wooden bull, painted green like the child's eyes, and looked worn with many years of play. After several moments, he deduced the fact that Lambo was sharing his important item with him. Ryohei scooped him up and thanked him, a gentle smile on his face. He pocketed the figurine in his front breast pocket and hugged the child tightly, placing a small purple candy in Lambo's grasp.

Ryohei then glanced down at him who was sucking happily on the sugar ball before he spoke,

"Thank you for giving me your important item, Lambo. But why?"

Lambo looked up at the teen and then smiled.

"Because Lambo-san can get a new toy any time, but Ryohei is only one, and not replaceable."

Ryohei stood speechless as the boy grew quiet. Well, that was an extreme eye opener.

* * *

**N is for Nice**

_Some days, being the optimist who saw the good in everyone just didn't cut it – featuring strong!Tsuna_

* * *

He had completely transformed the Vongola, revived the vigilante ideals of its founder and had even gotten Xanxus to listen to him (on a rare occasion when the other was pumped filled with red wine). Reborn had even complimented him on his work! Truly, it was a momentous occasion.

However, not everything was brilliantly rosy in his life. You see, it's one thing to change a mafia famiglia but it's another thing entirely to do that AND maintain one's alliances. He knew that many mafia dons thought him an idealistic fool and were dead set against him. Despite this, he believed he had at least one pillar of support with him when he walked into the meeting room and fifteen other bosses greeted him disgruntledly. Only one gave him a smile – Dino, his source of hope.

If only he remembered that personal lives and business don't mix.

"Tsuna, I understand that you feel it's your moral obligation to stop prostitution and drug trafficking, but you need to realise that we are part of the mafia. This is what we NEED to do. How else are we going to continue to protect and run _our_ families efficiently without the funds these businesses bring us?"

"It's not a 'business', Dino, it's a sin! If all the mafia has to offer the world is pain and sadness, then I'll destroy it!"

"Tsuna," Dino said harshly, eyes narrowing, "you do realise you're sitting in a room full of very strong Mafiosi, right? Those are fighting words and I suggest you take them back before you start a war."

"I will not."

"Are you out of your mind, Don Vongola?" another boss piped up, staring flabbergasted at the child who dared to insult them all to their faces.

"Be reasonable, Tsuna. Reborn would be disappointed in you."

"I will do as I please."

He had had enough. Listening to blithering old men belittle his goals simply to line their own pockets was disgusting enough, and then for them to say that it was for the sake of protecting their family? Never in his life had he ever wanted to harm his 'older brother' – until now.

"I am done with you," his boss voice resonated through the closed-off room, reverberating against the walls, growing darker and more powerful with each intonation. "I will have nothing to do with alliances if it means turning a blind eye to your despicable actions." His Dying Will flame began to flicker on his forehead as his eyes turned amber. "Allow me to teach you the lessons your mothers obviously didn't beat into you hard enough."

*****-…time skip…-*****

Romario stood up straighter as the door to the "Mafia Dons Only" meeting began to open.

"Jyuudaime, how did it go?"

Tsuna smiled brightly at his Storm Guardian, happiness alight on his face. "It took some time, but I managed to convince them it would be wiser to listen to me for a change."

"That's our Jyuudaime for you!"

Romario watched them depart, slightly surprised at the turn of events. Just this morning, his boss told him that he couldn't afford to back Tsuna's decision. When did he change his mind?

Other vice-commanders began looking at the doorway impatiently, having waited for over two hours already for the meeting to be over. Finally, one of them – from the Bovino Famiglia, by the looks of it – decided to enter anyway. When a gasp escaped through the dark threshold, the others rushed forward as well.

A table encased in ice met their gaze. Several of the bosses had been turned into human popsicles, but the vast majority were still free – but too traumatised to move. They merely stared blankly off into space, trembling viciously. Others were worse off – curled up in balls, mumbling incoherently or even weeping outright. The Chaviarone Don was one of the latter group, his face stained with the tears that had been running for at least thirty minutes.

"What happened, boss?" Romario asked in distress.

"T-T-Tsuna was so… mean!"

That was the day the entire Vongola Alliance turned over a new leaf.

It was the instance that Dino truly realised how alike his former tutor and Tsuna were. It was also the day the Bronco learned the wonders of alcohol and spent another week drunk out of his mind.

It was a day of celebration for the Decimo's Guardians, having finally pulled through on their goals.

It was the start of Tsuna's fearsome reputation, as the angel face with a split personality likened to Lucifer.

To Tsuna, it was just the day he finally learnt what a fearsome weapon his tongue could be.

* * *

**G is for Gifted**  
_Tsuna reflects on his right-hand man_

* * *

Gokudera always claimed he was saved by Tsuna. The brunette's simple act of getting rid of the excess dynamite, as well as accepting him into the great Vongola famiglia, was enough to earn the other's undying love and respect. Every small act that Tsuna did, whether it was getting him a Christmas gift, checking on him when he was sick/injured or defending him from naysayers would only add fuel to the fire of the silverette's adoration.

It hurt Tsuna whenever he realised how unfair it was.

All he had ever done was be normal and nice. Although Gokudera had become one of his closest friends, in the beginning he had been creeped out by the other (only staying with him because he felt responsible). When he had mentioned that once to the other, he was told it was because of Gokudera's incapability and that he was not to blame himself.

It stung him to know how little his right-hand man believed in himself.

Gokudera carried his past like a dark dead horse slung over his shoulder. It festered and drew flies which to the bomber were like snipes from an assassin's gun. He bent under the weight of what he believed made him incapable, and Reborn's snide remarks that grew fewer over the years only made the burden heavier, yet he forced himself to make himself move faster. Not that he would ever admit that to anyone – only Tsuna's Hyper Intuition helped him discover the darker side of his best friend.

It pained him to see how burdened his Storm Guardian was.

For there was no one more capable of being his right-hand. Gokudera was smart – even Verde thought so. The green-haired Arcobaleno had often compared the Italian guardian to himself, telling him it was a waste of his abilities to be in the mafia. Before they moved to Italy, hundreds of institutions and universities offered the silverette bursaries, but he turned them all down so that he could be closer to Tsuna.

Tsuna was laden with the guilt of holding him back.

Sometimes, Gokudera was asked to perform a recital or to teach a group of other pianist protégées. Each of this inquiries where answered with an emphatic 'no'. There would be no more public performances, CDs or classes from him. He even denied Tsuna's request to accept at least one. He explained himself in simple words: "My music is for myself and my family. No one else needs to hear it again. I am your Guardian first and foremost – I have no time for frivolities."

His heart screamed and his eyes saddened when he thought of all the lost gifts Gokudera had. He would carry the regret with him forever, even if he only ever received a smile in return.

* * *

It's short, and much more serious than the first chapter. Yet fear not! The next chapter will definitely be lighter xD


	3. JAY

Tada~! I updated twice in one day - mainly because the other one was too serious for one day. Still a gift to MockingJay Rose (who is awesome), still don't own anything, still written for a challenge and - oh!- still a collab with pinkiedoll. Please check out her stuff - you won't be disappointed. Credit for the idea for 'A' came from pinkiedoll :)

* * *

**J is for Jealous  
**_Would it be odd to say that sometimes Tsuna envied the Varia?_

* * *

It started off rather small, this insane feeling Tsuna had when he was around the Vongola assassination squad. It began, he was sure, with Lussuria.

When he had first met the Varia, he thought they were all psychopaths and stayed as far away as possible from them. The trip to the future had made him think that maybe, in a few years, he could warm up to them. Never had he imagined that he would come to envy them.

As mentioned, it began with the drag queen, 'Mother' Lussuria. When Tsuna had spent a week with the squad ('to get to know your subordinates' Reborn had said. Yeah, right – like you could live after saying that to those maniacs), he discovered that Luss did all the housework, laundry, cooking and shopping for the main officers. Not only that, but he was _good_ at all of these things.

Tsuna couldn't help but compare the birdy's pampering treatment with those of his famiglia. While Lussuria made sure to sew for his family the most appropriate, fashionable and handy clothes he could, Haru would endlessly stream out oddly-shaped cosplay clothes that Reborn would force him into for his amusement. At least Gokudera had taste and could find him better outfits. However, while Lussuria didn't bat an eyelid if all that was left of their attire was scraps of material and blood, Gokudera blew a fuse over every stain or crease.

Luss could create dinners worthy of five star hotels, merely laughing when most of it ended up on the floor or on Squalo's head and found his boss's picky taste a challenge rather than an irritation. At his home, Bianchi would try to coerce them into eating her food at least once a week, often destroying the best of the other chefs' cooking at the same time. The girls could make wonderfully homely dinners, but complain about their meals on a wrong day and you'd be met with tears and tantrums. Even the hired chefs had their own issues, often being offended by food fights or by other people invading their kitchen space. It resulted in many, _many_ headaches for Tsuna over the years.

While Tsuna would normally be woken with a gun to his head, an electric shock to his body or the sound of something exploding, Lussuria would always check to see what time he wanted to wake up, would do it with a gentle knock combined with a trilling 'Time to get up, sleepy head~!' and, if it was early enough, a cup of coffee immediately. He was an absolute blessing that Xanxus didn't appreciate enough.

Being the nice person that he was, Tsuna felt rather terrible about thinking like that about his own guardians, so resolved to forget about the whole experience when he made it back to his mansion in one piece. Then, inexplicably, he ended up shadowing the squad on a minor mission and felt the green-eyed monster stir again.

This time, it was about Mammon. What he wouldn't give to have that Arcobaleno as his Mist guardian. All it took to get Mammon to do anything was hand over the right amount of cash. With Mukuro, he had to connive and bribe for every little favour – he'd take bankruptcy any day! Fran was even better: all you had to do was give him the order, make sure there were no loopholes, remind him he was being paid for it and ignore all the monotone insults. He'd finish the job quickly and efficiently, no matter how much complaining he did. How could Xanxus not treasure them?

However, the icing on the cake – no, in fact, this was the entire cake, complete with trimmings – was Squalo. He'd even offered Xanxus exorbitant amounts of GOLD to get the swordsman from him. That man was the greatest blessing in the entire Varia! Not only was he the leader of the other guardians who kept them all in line, he was also their best strategist and main trainer of newbies (which he actually did a fantastic job of). But forget all that – Squalo was precisely what Tsuna needed in his life. Even without his fighting prowess and his managerial skills, Tsuna would still pay ten times his weight in gold for the man. Why? The man was the god of paperwork.

Really, there was no one who could pull of what Squalo did. The Varia caused more damage than any other famiglia (their insurance premiums were out of this world, much to Viper's chagrin), resulting in at least fifty towering stacks of paperwork PER DAY. That was excluding all of the normal paperwork from meetings, missions, death tolls and bribery. Yet none of the other members did a single sheet of all that work. They filled in mission reports, handed them in and moved on.

Tsuna had seen Squalo's office. No matter how much paperwork was thrown in the morning, by the evening the place was spotless. The Vongola Don had initially thought it was all shredded, or thrown away, but one chance wander into the room on a quiet afternoon allowed him to see the second-in-command diligently at work signing, stamping and filing. The only thing he apparently didn't do, was accounting. That Viper took care of personally.

Still! Squalo was brilliant! Even his devoted Storm, who halved his load every week to share among the others, was not that good. Xanxus hadn't even touched a pen in years! The bloody bastard was the luckiest schmuck on earth and he didn't even appreciate it!

When he had approached the Varia boss with an incredible starting bid for the swordsman, the other had laughed outright and told him he could take anyone for free if they wanted to go.

He barely escaped with his life.

Squalo nearly beheaded him, asking if he was off his rocker. Luss had laughed, taking it as a compliment, before trying to knock him out for the heck of it. Fran might have seriously considered it until Bel threw some knives at him and reminded him that the 'pineapple fairy peasant' was with Tsuna. Viper demanded an amount per month that he was only prepared to offer for Squalo.

The Sky Guardian spent a week in depression after that. He loved his famiglia, and would never change them for all the world, but dammit, he needed a Squalo!

Almost as if to taunt him, the Varia stayed for a week at his mansion, creating hell while being treated terribly by their smirking boss. After watching the eighteenth bottle of whisky (not to mention the twelve plates and three vases) aimed at the vice-captain's head make contact, with Squalo still unwilling to join his famiglia, Tsuna decided to concede his loss.

The Varia guardians would always make him jealous – but he could never have them. They were too brain-damaged to take him seriously.

* * *

**A is for Altruistic**

_Gokudera and Reborn try to figure out who overspent the guardian budget_

* * *

"…And now for the final, and most important part of this discussion: the guardian budget," Gokudera glared at the gathered Mafiosi, some who looked rightly ashamed and others just smirking infuriatingly. "Let me tell you now: the news is not good."

Reborn took over. "The final figure for this year was 12 million euros over the 'extenuating circumstances' section of the fourth extension of the extended budget. Dame-Tsuna, do you know what that means?"

Tsuna sighed. "Paperwork?"

"Yes, but it also means that _you are all spending too much_," he hissed, tone darkening in a way that made all of the guardians shiver (yes, Hibari and Mukuro included). "Maybe you think it's okay, because Gokudera is the one that nags about it and he nags about everything, but this is unacceptable. _No one_ leaves here until we find out how and why everyone went over the limit. Depending on your answer, I may cut you out of this year's budget."

They gulped. That budget covered their living expenses, anything they destroyed while undercover and everything they paid for when on a mission, not to mention the occasional drinking/shopping/partying spree. This really was serious.

"Dame-Tsuna, you go first."

"Ehhh? Why me?"

A shot from a Leon-gun shut off his complaints.

"In the last year, I spent most of my money on appeasing upset Mafiosi—"

"Sorry, Jyuudaime, but that goes under the bribe budget."

"Oh, well, I also spent it on paying for everyone's collateral damage—"

"That gets taken from the guardians' individual budgets, useless student."

"Umm, my suits?"

"Clothing budget, Jyuudaime."

"Overseas calls to mother?"

"Really, bringing Mama into this? Personal budget."

"Visiting Dino!"

"Mafia relations budget."

"Taking the kids out!"

"Personal budget."

"What the hell is the point of this budget if everything just gets taken from other budgets?!"

"You tell me. You're five hundred euros over the final limit."

"Reborn! It's only five hundred euros!"

"Answer the question – now."

"… Sweets."

Several shots, a lot of screaming and bruising later, receipts were pulled from the massive pile of paperwork brought in for the session and filed away neatly by the Storm guardian.

"Dame-Tsuna will have his budget quartered and if he spends even one cent over, all sweets and desserts will be banned permanently from this house."

Two cries came from Lambo and Tsuna, but they fell silent when Reborn swiftly retaliated by completely eradicating the Lightning guardian's portion of the finance (it went without saying that it was spent on sweets and girls – bloody Italian).

Hibari came through the interrogation unscathed: all of his money went on repairs and repayments for damages caused by his rampaging, which Reborn thought was an acceptable excuse. Yamamoto received a harsh reprimanding for spending the majority of it on baseball cards, but his budget was only reduced by a quarter (which made Gokudera growl angrily). Gokudera, of course, had kept perfectly to his limit, and was praised for it by the ex-Arcobaleno ("Don't worry, Jyuudaime, I'll teach you how to spread your costs effectively over your different accounts!").

Ryohei was for the most part excused: he spent his on countering lawsuits from neighbours who complained about his noisiness, as well as on buying sake and arranging fights with "EXTREME" fighters ("Next time, charge it to the 'Training' account, stupid Turf Top").

Finally, it was time for the Mist Guardians to own up. Both explained how they spent theirs on information gathering, shopping (in Chrome's case) and special case bribing to get into secret places (Mukuro). They also confessed to spending a lot on hair care products ("Make a pineapple comment and you'll be getting nightmares for _months_"). Reborn brushed it over, except for the hair care ("Either ask the scientists for a solution, or pick a fruit closer to home").

Finally thinking it was over, everyone began to rise but a glare from Reborn kept them in place. "We still have about nine million unaccounted for."

"Reborn, we've told you everything!"

"Ma, ma, maybe it was a calculation error."

"Not everyone failed maths like you, baseball idiot. I checked these figures eight times and, regardless, I WOULDN'T MISPLACE NINE MILLION EUROS!"

Reborn smirked, and dumped a pile of the paperwork in front of each guardian. "Each of these is from a different section. This contains ALL of the accounts regarding the guardians of that element. Look through them, and the person who finds out who was lying can go as far over their budget as they please."

Lambo and Tsuna immediately began working, systematically checking each sheet of paper. The others soon joined in.

"Here, here! The great Lambo-san has found it!"

"So you visit strip clubs, do you, Tsuna? When did my student grow up that much?"

"T-That was one time and Dino made me!"

"I HAVE EXTREMELY FOUND A LOT OF PARKING TICKETS!"

"Chrome, how did you get this many?"

"Actually, this falls into a different budget."

"…I may have surpassed my limit on that account, so they moved the rest into this account."

"Well, that's half a million accounted for."

"Hold on a sec," Gokudera held up his hand. "According to this report, we paid over eight million euros to charity!"

As one, everyone turned to glare at their boss.

"Dame-Tsuna, how many times must I tell you that you can't save everyone?! We already donate a boatload to all of those programmes you created! How much more do you want?"

"I-It wasn't me!"

"Then who was it?"

"Actually, the herbivore is right."

All eyes were on Hibari, who was looking at several statements stapled together. "This accounts for the full missing amount, paid to three orphanages and an organisation that saves children from crime syndicates."

Suddenly, Mukuro vanished.

"Oi, pineapple, get your ass back in here!"

"Mukuro-sama probably needed to go the bathroom."

"No," Reborn said, smirking dangerously, "he's escaping. Hibari was looking through Mukuro's accounts."

There was an eerie silence as the group of childhood friends absorbed that statement.

"Guys," Tsuna said calmly, already in boss mode, "while it's all well and good to be altruistic, we have been sitting here for a VERY long time. How about we go have supper? I'm in the mood for grilled pineapple salad."

"Make it charred," snarled Gokudera, slamming his book shut.

"If you cut pineapple very thinly, it can go great with sashimi!"

"How about we melt it and turn it into sweets? The great Lambo-san could do it!"

"Pineapple knuckle sandwich, to the extreme!"

_Oh boy,_ Chrome thought. _You better keep running, Mukuro-sama._

* * *

**Y is for Yummy  
**_or 'Can I have that order to go?'_

* * *

The challenge had been easy. So easy, he was wondering where the catch was. Because when Reborn said the words 'Vongola-style', you knew you were in for mayhem.

His illusionists found nothing suspicious about the premises – it really was a simple open-air kitchen. His Cloud Guardian discovered nothing through his information network and his right-hand man did find references to this ancient Vongola tradition in several books, so Tsuna no longer could refuse.

So one Saturday night, he and all his guardians found themselves cooking for the retired executives of the Vongola, as well as the ex-Arcobaleno and Vindice. Timoteo watched them enter with trepidation in his eyes, for the name of the Famiglia was at stake here – it was called "Vongola-style" for a reason! (He never mentioned that he had failed his first attempt – shh! No one needs to know that!)

For you see, this was actually a competition. The Vongola squared off against the Varia, CEDEF, Chaviarone, Shimon and Giglio Nero teams. The team who made the best meal got one wish granted by the Arcobaleno and one get-out-of-jail-free card from the Vindice. So, yeah, there was a lot at stake and Tsuna was feeling the heat long before the stove was switched on.

He had every reason to be nervous. Within thirty minutes, the scene had dissolved into chaos. Lambo, who was in charge of just chopping things up, had started making sarcastic comments about committing familial homicide when he came to the octopus and pineapple. Mukuro had then gone on to noisily and very vividly crush broccoli in front of the cow teenager until he was attacked by Hibari, who ended up shredding the meat he was supposed to be working on with his wild swings of spiked chains.

Luckily, Yamamoto had found fresh fish and began to make it into sushi. His quick, adept movements with his knives excited Ryohei, who tried to copy the movements (to the extreme!) until the blade flew out of his hand.

It somersaulted and landed in the opposite kitchen - the _Varia's_ kitchen.

There it thunked into the wall, but not without taking a little something with it – namely _hair_.

Long, silvery hair – _Squalo's_ hair.

A _significant portion_ of Squalo's hair, which was a rather touchy subject to him.

Even Xanxus got out of the way. The neatly-designed portable culinary area stood no chance, even if Dino hadn't accidentally knocked over the gasoline for the stove earlier, and if Lal hadn't decided that cooking with explosives would be faster, just seconds before the knife had severed a few years off of Squalo's hairstyle.

Tsuna didn't immediately move from the charred rubble that had splattered all over the ground. Starving Mafiosi had turned their anger into violence and Gokudera was already pulling the dynamite out. Ryohei and Takeshi were running for their lives while the skylark and the pineapple continued to brawl as if nothing had happened. Yuni was comforting Byakuran who was bemoaning the loss of his marshmallows, as Colonello was getting over the chilling reminder of why he never let his wife cook. Somewhere, Verde and the mechanical geniuses, Spanner and Irie, were discussing making a robotic kitchen that made gourmet food without all the hassle this night had brought. Dino was helping Enma hide and none of the chaos stopped until a van pulled up next to the battle-scarred garden.

"Um, order for Sawada Tsunayoshi?" asked the delivery man hesitantly. "Four hundred and twelve pizzas to go, as was ordered."

"Do yourself a favour," a voice came from behind the teenager, as the receipt was plucked from his hands and signed. "Abandon the truck, and RUN."

"Huh? Why do I—?"

When the mob, driven near-insane with hunger, descended upon the vehicle, the boy understood. Anything that got in the way of the mafia and the food was mercilessly shot, stabbed, mentally-attacked or run down.

"Best pizza in town," Reborn admitted as he and Tsuna shared some on the roof of the mansion. "Not bad, idiot student."

"Thanks," grinned Tsuna, taking a swig from their shared bottle of wine. "Now, how long do you think it will take them to realise Bianchi fiddled with all the pizzas except this one?"

"What a harsh punishment. You're such a sadist, Dame-Tsuna."

"I learnt from the best, Reborn."

* * *

My version of crack! Did I fail or did I pass? Hope you guys liked it. As you may have squinted at to see a tiny hint of it, I'm a R27 fangirl. Anyway, see you again in the final installment :)


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